I feel so exposed.

My thoughts and concepts, my preconceived ideas of how and what things should be seem to be falling apart. I guess in this situation, it's true that the more you see, the less you know.

I was so quick to blame, to point my finger at anyone, but me. I didn't think I was wrong.

but..

I guess, it's not about right or wrong, but about life and peace.

I don't like the idea of no guidelines, of living my life according to the 'leading' of the Spirit. No black and whites to follow, just life and peace. But that's what the world wants me to believe. That there should be rules, and that they are meant to be broken. I thought that's the ideal; what its meant to be like.

The messenger gave me loads of examples, even backing his speaking with Scripture. I understood every word that proceeded from his mouth, but I took none in. I didn't WANT to believe that. I wanted things my way. And to be honest, when he spoke with full honesty, I was taken aback at first; offended, if I may add. I'm sure it was written all around my face; "I do not fully agree with you." "That's not right." *rolls eyes* "Or so YOU say.."

But yet, with all the patience he could gather, he spoke the Word. Though afraid I might be stumbled.

Then He himself, this time, through that still small voice within.

He wanted me to see, that this isn't something impractical to live by. That even when He was living on earth, that was His practice. A question for a question wasn't just to be cool, though I certainly think it is. But it was to direct us to the Answer Himself. Not about right or wrong, because a lot of times these things don't matter. Being a perfectionist when it comes to my work, I often want all the small details finalized; for everything to be right. But I'm reminded that in the big picture these things don't carry as much weight.

I'll just have to keep the big thing the BIG thing.

The way of life and peace.

hm.

-shengeh-

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I've tried to jam these thoughts out but to no avail.

I guess, I'll just have to sort it out here, like I always do. Warning : It may sound a little depressing from here on, but I'm fine. Just need to sort my thoughts out on paper, I mean, on the web.

Emotions seem to blind me. I thought I was much stronger in my principles than this, but I guess, I'm far more frail and weak than I thought I was. I know what I should do, and what is 'right' in this situation. If it were any other, I would have told them right away, probably given them a long lecture about it also. It's different this time though, I know it all in my head. But my heart wants what it wants.

I really don't know why.

Would you invest in a pair of trainers that look good even if, judging by its quality and brand name, you know it wouldn't last long? Would you sacrifice long term benefits for instantaneous satisfaction? Rationally speaking, I wouldn't.
But were I to take the step I'm so tempted to take, I would have.

I've asked for help, seek advise and etc.

To be honest, I didn't have to consult anyone. I know best. Even twins brought up in different environment will differ from each other, slightly. Two different tea cups cannot match the same saucer, or can they?

And all these butterflies in my tummy, are they really what I think them to be?


I'm done focusing on all the wrong things, and looking at all the wrong corners. I guess, all these hoo-ha would remain what they are until I turn back to You, huh?


-shengeh-