Peering into the small passage way hidden by the multitude of people zooming past this busy high street, I watched as a ragamuffin slowly made her way to a trash can approximately five metres away from her. Her movements; slow with a slight limp, probably from the bite she suffered the night before when a dog tried to snatch the little food that she had. It is now four in the evening, and the half-eaten burger she had last night was all that had sustained her till now.

Looking on, my heart ached and was filled with compassion. I looked down at the goody bag in my right hand - I have just stepped out of McDs and was about to savour one of the burgers. However, the sight that have just unfold before my very own eyes swallowed my appetite. Walking toward the passage way, nervous at the prospect of how things would turn out, I stretched out my right hand to give her the goody bag.

But instead of snatching it from me and devouring it the way a fox would when it finds its prey, she looked up at me, smiled and politely declined. I shrugged and left, running towards the bus stop as my bus approached.

My bus ride home after was filled with nothing but questions. I couldn't understand. Why wouldn't she accept my act of kindness? Did my actions disgust her? Was it wrong for me to sympathise the state she was in?

Faced with a similar situation at hand, I think I can identify. It's not that she didn't NEED help, she simply didn't WANT it. Not now, at least.

..

The walls are up so high, and so strong are the materials that it seems almost impenetrable. However, there should be a weak spot, no? Ultimately, this high and mighty fortress will only be as strong as its weakest link. And since, people are both its strength and weakness, a moat is built around the fortress that none can come in.

Instead of installing a draw bridge to let others in, the moat around it is modified. Dug deeper and expanded wider with each passing time.

Instead of reinforcing the string that keeps the kite from flying, the grip on that three fold cord is lessen with each passing moment.

Instead of retrieving a lost coin, more coins are tossed into the sea.

..

Why am I consciously letting it all go?

-shengeh-

I feel so exposed.

My thoughts and concepts, my preconceived ideas of how and what things should be seem to be falling apart. I guess in this situation, it's true that the more you see, the less you know.

I was so quick to blame, to point my finger at anyone, but me. I didn't think I was wrong.

but..

I guess, it's not about right or wrong, but about life and peace.

I don't like the idea of no guidelines, of living my life according to the 'leading' of the Spirit. No black and whites to follow, just life and peace. But that's what the world wants me to believe. That there should be rules, and that they are meant to be broken. I thought that's the ideal; what its meant to be like.

The messenger gave me loads of examples, even backing his speaking with Scripture. I understood every word that proceeded from his mouth, but I took none in. I didn't WANT to believe that. I wanted things my way. And to be honest, when he spoke with full honesty, I was taken aback at first; offended, if I may add. I'm sure it was written all around my face; "I do not fully agree with you." "That's not right." *rolls eyes* "Or so YOU say.."

But yet, with all the patience he could gather, he spoke the Word. Though afraid I might be stumbled.

Then He himself, this time, through that still small voice within.

He wanted me to see, that this isn't something impractical to live by. That even when He was living on earth, that was His practice. A question for a question wasn't just to be cool, though I certainly think it is. But it was to direct us to the Answer Himself. Not about right or wrong, because a lot of times these things don't matter. Being a perfectionist when it comes to my work, I often want all the small details finalized; for everything to be right. But I'm reminded that in the big picture these things don't carry as much weight.

I'll just have to keep the big thing the BIG thing.

The way of life and peace.

hm.

-shengeh-