its a funny emotion. one moment it completely empowers  you. and the next, it eludes  you. 

just keeps me amazed, really. 

I cannot say it's sad, 'cause I have no emotions attached to that word no more. But there's this indescribable surge of emotion that envelopes me every time I see/hear someone talk about home. Maybe because I haven't been 'home' in a while; for long enough for me to remember what home's like, or the fact that I'm neither here nor there. It's rather unfortunate. People talk about the things back home that they miss; their immediate family and friends. But for me, they're all here now. And if, as the cliche saying goes, 'home is where the heart is', and the heart; where your family is, then home should be here. Yet, I cannot call this place home. And Malaysia isn't exactly home in that sense either. 

My answer to the question, 'will you come back to Malaysia for good?', has gone through a process of evolution. It started off with a high-spirited resounding yes but given the political climate and everything that's happening back in Malaysia - the answer has changed. 'IF by going home, I can change it for the better, I will.' But to be honest, it is but a spin of words. What do I mean by 'changing things for the better'? Even I have no idea. And even if I do, will that day ever come? It's always been the way I speak and write: vague. If you're not precise, nobody can really fault you. Maybe reading law has taught me to do exactly that; to say enough to make sense, yet leave enough room to include most situations. malleable. 

Point is, I don't know where home is. It doesn't sadden me - I'm just indifferent. But from an Archimedean perspective, it's just sad. 

bleh. 

Sitting by the window pane and to the distant road she stares. Thinking of the things once there but now gone, wondering.

Is this feeling of emptiness dependent on the physical realm or is this one, stimulated by hormones? 

In a bid to be rational and not be guided by the roller coaster of emotions she usually surrenders to, she reasons; 

Maybe, this is but a season; a phase. 

But then again, what if it isn't. The way I feel right now most plausibly could be attributed to one's absence. Yes, the culmination of the days and months of you not being there - even if, the past few months have been seemingly mundane and insignificant in the larger scale of things. Why aren't you around? Why leave so prematurely? 

Taking a walk down memory lane, a gentle tear slides down her cheeks and into her lap. She thought about the closeness they shared; that special bond between two close people. The laughter and jokes they shared and realises that what took its place was silence - deafening silence.

Too many what if(s), could have(s). But they will remain that; when applied to things once past. 

Future me, learn this lesson - smell the flowers, enjoy the season.